Words in a Row

Spent most of the afternoon on the lake with Briley and her family yesterday evening. Sunburned as a fucking lizard. I think all the humidity in the region must be magnifying the sun. Someone please come lower me another basket of lotion down this well. 

Her parents are actually pretty laid back. (I think they went through three bottles of wine between them) They retired from the air force and moved down from Chicago about ten years ago. Briley is staying with them at least through college. Right now she’s three months from getting her RN degree. She’s got her own apartment in the finished basement, with a great view of the lake. If I were her I’d be in no hurry to leave yet. 

As usual, I’m up relatively early and my hosts are still sleeping. A little bored. Just made some coffee and thought I’d start typing. No real subject. No real point. Sitting here with Briley’s german shepherd named C.C.–short for chicken choker. Long story.

I guess she’s told her parents I’m schizophrenic. That’s good. I fucking hate meeting new people. My psychotic eps are pretty much under control for the time being, for the most part. . .but that doesn’t mean I’m completely normal. I still trail off during conversations, I still have the occasional trouble understanding words as they’re spoken to me. Sometimes I have to yell at the voices in my head to shut them up. Sometimes my eyes start darting around like a madman and I’ll begin to rave about sea monsters and forest fires. Constants for me. 
(Briley, you are a brave girl. Or perhaps a little foolish. Thank you for being so patient and loving with me.) 

One thing I’m sure of, the meds don’t stave off psychosis forever. Now I can’t seem to stop worrying about what might happen, or how much I may manage to embarrass myself, or scare someone, or just disappear. Briley has promised that she’ll stay by my side and that means everything. But she’s never seen me like I’ve seen me. I would have fled myself years ago. 

Well, on a positive note, there’s an eagle’s nest less than half a mile from here. They have chicks and all. We’re gonna go check that shit out later today. Gonna wear my red hardhat. 

–JT

 

 

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Filed under love, mad ruminations, schizophrenia, writing

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