Broken Promises

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Roommate just headed out for work. He seemed especially concerned in the short time I saw him. or perhaps even suspicious. I’m not sure. 
Briley. Briley saw my blog posts and called me this morning knowing I was awake. We had plans for last night, but I canceled on her. I just now remembered that. Wow. Yesterday the thought crossed my mind that with all her supposed magical power, perhaps she has put some sort of love spell on me. This is too much and too fast and I’m not one to stick around. I was mad at her. I canceled on her. But she still called me this morning. Says she’s worried about me. She insisted on taking the day off work to make sure I’m alright. So she’s on her way over now. A half-hour drive, will take her twenty minutes. So I’m just writing until she arrives to avoid complete panic. Meanwhile I worry perhaps she is just trying to convince me I’ve lost it again. Feel like everyone around me is getting ready to strike and they’re making sure I’m well exposed before it happens. Fatal. 

Then again if I really am having a psychotic episode I bet I’m making myself pretty difficult to reach. It’s defense. They say the number one sign of a crazy person is that he doesn’t realize he’s insane. I don’t know what to believe. How easy and vulnerable my life can be when I’m blinded like this. I don’t know how I’ll react when she gets here either. Nothing violent or anything. . .I am teetering between accusation or groveling on my fucking knees. I just don’t know a damn thing.

I wrote a suicide letter yesterday.
Didn’t get much farther than that.
I fucking fell asleep. Can you believe that?
Though I did know exactly how it was going to go down.
When I woke up I couldn’t remember where I was, let alone the plans I had been making.

Maybe I do need some company today. I don’t want to die. I don’t know what I was thinking. And I love you Briley. Forgive me for myself today. I don’t know what it is about me that would make you want to endure this. I think you could do a hell of a lot better.
But not today. I should let someone else in. It can only be you and I shouldn’t be alone. 

 I’m sorry I’ve already broken a promise.

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5 Comments

Filed under love, mad ruminations, magic, paranoia, promises, schizophrenia, writing

5 responses to “Broken Promises

  1. You need to talk to your doctor or therapist by the sound of it.

    Like

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