Delusional Breadcrumbs

I know where I’m going with this. But I don’t know how to start. How to say. Here goes a whole lot of something.

I’m damn near devastated. I’m hoping this is just a setback. Feeling inside like it’s not. A wall has been growing steadily between me and Briley since the beginning. I could always see it. Kept trying to fix it. I’m afraid she’s been adding to it when my vigilance wanes. We’ve talked about it but I still can’t get her on the same page. Hell, we may as well be in two different books. From two different library sections.

Briley lives in her world of magick and faeries, portents and miracles where ancient gods not only exist but make apparent regular appearances. That’s fine. Whatever. She can believe what she wants in that regard. What she shouldn’t believe is that I’m anything but crazy. I don’t have magical psychic medium powers and if I were a necromancer I would have been practicing the art of resurrection years ago. The things I see and hear aren’t fucking real. Someone trying to convince me they are is some real rotten news.
The last time I thought my madness reality, I lost my studio, my job, eventually my car and every fucking penny I had. I was dancing on the verge of death and despair and edging on something so much worse at every moment. I came inches from dying of exposure which was when I was admitted to the state hospital.

So, I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. I can’t simply pick and choose which delusions I’d like to follow. It’s all or nothing for me. Reality or psychosis.
I don’t really feel like I’ve gotten my point across, but I don’t feel like going into specific examples right now either. My head hurts and it’s fucking freezing. I’m seriously considering lighting the fireplace. Other considerations floating around in my head too. I probably ought to use this day to attempt to relax and sort out my thoughts. I realize it’s entirely possible I’m overreacting, based on my own emotions. Maybe I’m making a complete ass of myself again.
Though I refuse to believe that’s entirely the case.

–No One Special


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Filed under insanity, mad ruminations, pissed, relationships, schizophrenia, writing

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