Bearable Things

Good morning yet again to the sun and to all of you. Just another rambling post interspersed with things entirely personal.

I think I’m reaching an equilibrium with my Lithium dosage. Negative side effects seem to be calming down. Good thing I never got nausea and diarrhea as is so common with this medication. I’ve been able to sleep these last couple of nights just taking the Risperidone and a couple of Benadryl. I ran out of Melatonin and I haven’t even needed the Soma–which is good. I hate taking it. Hate taking any controlled substance. It makes me nervous; like I’m slipping back into old habits; even if I am just taking one at night to go to sleep. Maybe now I can just stop taking it completely.
233333333333333333333333300 says my cat Mintkey. She uses this keyboard more than I do. Loves to pull up the help screen.

Another bit of good news. I have an appetite now. Had one ever since I got outta the hospital. A common side effect with both Risperidone and Lithium. And we’re not talking marijuana junk-food munchies either. I’ve been eating real food. I’ve even cooked dinner a couple of times for me and my roommate. (Hell, his name is Rick. We can just call him Rick from now on.)
I’ve been slightly underweight for years now. Not only that; these past four or five months I’d lost even more weight: Fifteen pounds off my norm when I was weighed two months ago, then at the hospital last week I’d gained seven of those pounds back, but I’m still too thin even now. That may change. Maybe I’ll get fat. Fat and happy. Hope Briley likes fat dudes.

Speaking of Briley, things are going quite well. Been spending time when we can–she’s been busy with work and school–and chatting online or by text all the fucking time. I love her ICU stories. She’s making me a magic pouch that I can wear around my neck, based around this Egyptian god called Wepwawet. She says it will help me to break through all the obstacles that hold me back. Fine by me. I’m going to wear it whether it works or not. I’m actually rather excited about the whole prospect. Can’t hurry genius I guess.

What else? Not exactly good news, just news.
I’m relatively broke now with all the hospital bills and doctor’s visits. It’s a good thing the Lithium and Risperidone combined cost me less than twelve bucks a month. I’ve got a five-digit check coming in November, but until then I’m cutting corners and making sure I’ve got my essentials–like food, medicine and bills–taken care of. So much for that new camera–at least for a while. My old Nikon worked fine, but it’s been in pieces after an attempt to transplant a new battery door. I dropped it one too many times and got tired of holding it together with a rubber band. I never finished that transplant. I think I may attempt that today, just for something to do. Just like performing surgery. I need a nurse. Briley please come over and hand me a scalpel.

And here’s something I’m not entirely proud to admit. I got high last night. For the first time in years. Didn’t buy any though, didn’t bring any home. I had gone over to my friend Matt’s house to watch the new South Park and Key and Peele, you know, just to get out of the house. His roommate slings the stuff and there was quite a crowd there. I had decided beforehand that if it was offered, I might give it a try. I had originally quit because I was afraid it was making me crazy. It’s obvious now that’s not the case. I’m crazy on my own. Now that I’m medicated well I just wanted to know how it would affect me. I got really fucking high (hash–pretty much concentrated THC) and had to wait to drive home. Upon my return I pigged out on Cheetos, followed by some cookies and milk and then proceeded to pass the fuck out.
Good thing is it caused me no hallucinations or any symptoms of psychosis. That’s good. That’s what I wanted to find out. Still, I’m not going to start buying the stuff and smoking it every day. Perhaps occasionally in social situations. The minute the thought of buying it goes through my head I’m just going to quit altogether. I can’t be doing that shit. I don’t need it. I’m fine without it. No sense in self-medicating when I’m well controlled as I have been.
Everyone else was drinking, but I didn’t. I had a glass of water. I am not going to start drinking again, socially or otherwise. Shit’s just not good for you. It takes away all your judgement. Weed does the opposite. It makes me more self-conscious. I tend to think more deeply and profoundly about the smallest things that I normally would not even consider. Somewhat therapeutic really.

Judge me all you want, people of WordPress. I don’t really care what any of you think.
Okay, maybe some very small insecure part of me does care. I admit it.
But most of me doesn’t care.

–A Human Being


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Filed under mad ruminations, writing

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