I’m feeling some very surprising emotions today. I had to leave work yesterday due to excessive vomiting and I’m actually down on myself over the whole ordeal. Guilt. Something I’d never felt when it comes to my employment. Had this happened at my previous job–a good few years ago–I wouldn’t have given it another thought. I was constantly late, truant, and lazy, and didn’t give two fucks about any of it. Now? I was actually quite proud of myself concerning my attendance record. I realize I can’t help when it comes to being sick, but I still can’t get this nasty feeling out of my head.
My roommate was showing some signs of a sinus infection, or a cold, or even a virus, as I am also. I believe the vomiting is somehow related. It’s always my luck to come down with the most brutal of symptoms. On top of that, Briley told me that Risperdal weakens my immune system. Fucking great. No nausea so far today, but it does come in waves. I’m on afternoon shift today. We’ll see how I feel when noon rolls around. I do not want to miss another day. Should that happen, this overwhelming sense of failure is sure to stick around.
I think the feeling stems from my new sense of self. Since starting the lithium I’ve felt like a normal person. A person who’s able to show up to work on time and do their job. Still, I’ve been keeping a very close eye on my behavior and general outlook. The back of my mind projecting forward any residual fears over relapse into insanity or, at the very least, incapability. The fear is strong enough, this little incident has left me feeling more shitty than the vomiting did. Damnit, I hate this feeling. I know it’s unfounded. It still won’t leave. I am a slave to it. Does anyone else feel this sort of guilt? Please say yes.