I’m home, alone, bored. Sitting in the dark, and I’ve worn black for so long, my wardrobe is fading to gray. Anyone want a chat? Seriously, I feel as if I’m the only human being on earth right now. Not much of a surprise to have these feelings, here in this small town. I could get out of the house, but I’ve talked myself out of it. I have to keep talking myself out of it.
It’s so quiet I can hear the parkway a few miles off. For some reason, the sound makes nights like this feel even colder. Rudie’s chosen to rough it. Mintkey’s busy eying an insect crashing repeatedly into the light above the stove which is the only bit of illumination I feel like dealing with right now.
Illumination. I am illumined to my complete aversion to it at present. I know what’s going on here. I’ve known it all along. I’m still in love with Briley, and I suppose I’m pretty heartbroken about how we broke it off. How easily it was all said and done. How little she seemed to care. How little I made it seem I seemed to care. Maybe she was pretending too?
I don’t know, and I won’t know. I drove to her house last night. Didn’t call or text, just got in my car and drove. I wanted her face to face. But she wasn’t there. No one was. It was only seven but already the moon was out. The stars were out. The house was dark.
Now it’s rained all day. A cold misty rain. Fucking hate it. Why didn’t I realize my feelings when we were together? I knew I loved her, cared about her, I just couldn’t see how deep it all went, how deep it all goes. How deeply I have become lonely now. She’s got a ticket to ride. I’m a fucked up guy. This has been my first real relationship, in which I’ve consistently spent time with a woman without it revolving around sex. I wasn’t looking for it, but when my chance with her came, I wanted it.
Although, I guess three months isn’t a long time, and there were too many bumps along the road. Most of them were mine. I have to remind myself of that, and try to keep this utopian image out of my head. Great moments were definitely there, though. She’s amazing and I love being around her.
I’ll either have to get used to missing her or get over it. Not sure getting over it’s what I want right now.
I probably ought to be doing laundry or something.