An Update

I’m staying with my friend Matt for a few days. He’s a good influence. Easy to talk to. I needed to get out of the house without completely destroying myself in the process. Matt’s an awesome guy. He’s getting married in the spring. He’s been with her for seven years. I can’t imagine. If I’m ever going to have a relationship that lasts more than a few months, I’d have to find a girl who’d blatantly refuse to leave no matter the circumstances.
We all have that special ideal of a perfect someone in our heads. Some of us will find that someone, some of us never will. I’m afraid I may be the latter. It doesn’t matter. I’m just trying to get through one day/ night at a time here.
I suppose I’ve been doing okay. There’s some deeply rooted sorrow gnawing at my every moment. It’s always been there, but times like this it tends to take the forefront. It’s too bad anti-depressants have never done it for me. I wish I could drug myself into comfortable oblivion. But I can’t. I won’t let myself. Talking to Matt helps. He’s clean, other than the occasional drink. His roommate has bags and bags of weed with buyers always at the door. I’ve been partaking every now and then. It helps, and it doesn’t.
I am not at ease, which I guess would make me diseased. I’m diseased.




Filed under mad ruminations

3 responses to “An Update

  1. Johnny, I won’t like this post because it is not likeable. I am 31 and an African woman. At my age without a man to call my own (partly because I live practically indoors when I’m not at work and my work is to teach teenagers and my house is in the school), many people say bad things about me. When I hear some, I hate me from a distance. Sometimes, I think about accepting any proposal and getting married, but I know I’m better than that and will accept one who speaks to my heart. I feel depressed most when my mates are getting married. It is a natural phenomenon. Every life has ups and downs, none can have a smooth sail. You might think you may not last with a woman but from what I see, you’re so affectionate, you will work hard at keeping your relationship better than your partner when you finally meet her. Just be a little optimistic and stop the pessimism. It puts most people off and just know you’re the only one who can light your candle for others to find you. Stay clear off the weeds, do what makes you happy and stay safe.


    • I know I’m bad off right now. I’ve just lost someone I love very much. It’s going to take me some time to get over this. I’m sure I seem horribly pessimistic, but I’ve made my blog a place where I can write whatever I’m feeling, no matter what end of the extreme I happen to be on. It’s therapeutic for me. I feel better now than I did when I wrote this post, likely all because I got it out there.
      What I’m really upset about now, though, is that you didn’t like my post. I’ll have to compose a rant. 😉


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