I feel more than I can put into words. Like a soft blanket somewhere inside, but the softness is misleading. It’s a sadness that constantly brushes against my heart. The nights are long and I hardly see the sun anymore. What needs to be done isn’t getting done. I’ve dug myself a little hole and the digging is perpetual. Briley used to help me make healthier choices. Now I’m drinking ten cups of coffee a day and taking far too many muscle relaxers. I’ve been eating more, but not better. I simply cannot decide if I want to get off this train. What’s waiting for me if I do?
I cannot accept this world as it is. There is too much wrong. My life and what I’ve been through means nothing in comparison. What others must endure, people and animals alike, is more than I can bear. At first it was fully paralyzing. Now, it’s more of a painful acceptance. One I’m completely averse to.
It’s clear that my medication isn’t working like it was. Thankfully, I still have had no hallucinations or shown any symptoms of psychosis, but my mood is not where it should be. I think it’s safe to say, I’m pretty depressed. I need to see a psychiatrist. I received a hefty check just a week ago that I deposited into my bank account. I could use some of that money to get some help, but I hate to see the balance go down. Every time that number drops I’m closer to being unable to afford psychiatric and medical care. I know, my thinking is a bit skewed right now. I’m going to have to force myself to spend the money while I’ve got it, for my own good. Making the appointment is always the hardest part, and I certainly can’t do it now in the middle of the night. Will I be motivated tomorrow? I never know. I wake up a different person every day. Different but painfully the same.