I have moved beyond poetry into something that can only be expressed in the form of a physical outburst, whether it be crying or throwing something against the wall. Sitting here isn’t cutting it. Writing isn’t cutting it. I’m just barely holding on until something changes–until something can be done. Sitting in the doctor’s exam room now. Awaiting his arrival. Have a good feeling about it. Good feelings are hard to come by these days.

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I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s completely pointless. Everything I write is a joke. I’m tired of it. What do you do when you’re tired of yourself? You change something. I’m working on that. I can’t stand some of the things I’ve done recently. Sleeping with that girl takes the cake though. It had been years since I’d had a one night stand. Why did I have to go and do it?
The worst part is, I feel quite capable of doing it again. I’m still in that place, that no matter how aware I am of the truth of the situation, I’ll still go and do something stupid just to escape my present frame of mind, even if only for a moment. Ugh. Is it obvious I’m unhappy?

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7 Comments

Filed under mad ruminations

7 responses to “

  1. Happiness is what you find for yourself Johnny. As for sleeping with the girl, why? You are human, with needs and if the girl consents, there is no problem. I think what you need is a lasting relationship. Someone you’ll be assured will not leave you. Someone who you will find home with, then you’ll have company and be happy. Love can turn disastrous, it can also revive. Praying for you from afar. Blessings.

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    • I used to sleep around a lot. It was like an addiction. One day i stopped and i promised myself i would never get back into that habit. It is pointless. There is nothing meaningful in it. You are right. I need to find a girl i can fall in love with, and stay in love with. There is nothing i want more. But you know yourself, its hard to find that special someone. I thought it was briley, but she is gone now. More importantly i think i need to get myself back into good mental health before i consider bringing someone else in my life, or its bound to be disastrous.

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  2. The completion of you is not always unhappiness it’s over rated. I find my work to be this way all the time. It’s always hit or miss. The it moment is when I let go and the process just takes on a life of its own. When I have no idea to begin with. That is when the stuff hits the fan if you get my drift.

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    • Hit or miss, but what is required? What’s waiting to come out? It’s not always peaceful words on a piece of paper.

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      • Ok ok I hear you and its not easy, you need to create e quite space for things to come out. It takes practice. It’s vague but it works. I’m not a good sleeper. I’m up anywhere between one and four in the morning. That my best time when it’s totally quite. I do my best work at that time. Look it’s a process it’s not a control experiment. That’s hit and miss, if you are on the quest to find out then it exploration. There aren’t any quick solutions. If you want to reinvent then you are going to have to be confused and frustrated. That’s when my best come out.
        As always Yannuzzi

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