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As some of you may know, I went to the doctor the other day–was it yesterday? Day before? I don’t know anymore–to see about a medication adjustment. I’m now on 450 mg lithium per day vs the original 300. Not that it’s much of a difference, but it’s something. I need more change. Medication is never going to be enough to fix things permanently.

I’m not sure, but maybe I need to stop beating myself up so much. Maybe I could try to go with the flow, let things be, let me be me, etc.. Can’t decide. When things flow I fly south with them. Or I could, anyway. Like I’m flying south with whatever it is I’m supposed to be writing about at this moment. About some change or something or other. Whatever.

I was violently ill with a migraine when I got out of bed. Migraine is gone now, but I’m left with something like a hangover. I’m seeing sparkles everywhere, like ground zero of a glitter explosion. At least the migraines have been less recently. I’m learning more what causes them and trying to avoid the triggers. I can’t always avoid them. I can’t always explain them. I can always count on there being a dark room in which to hide when a migraine does occur. That’s comforting.

I’m trying to think of more comforting things. Like, things I’m grateful for. The problem now is that I cannot think at all. I cannot face a thought without it disappearing, like sunlight reflecting off a pane of glass. I feel like I need to be thinking something, so I continue to blind myself over and over. Not only is it blinding, it’s deafening. Everything around me merges into one long reverberating sound. There is nothing inside and nothing outside, yet still I feel I need something. What am I missing? The answer again is nothing. An answer’s absent where there should be no question. Pretty frustrating, if you ask me.

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4 Comments

Filed under mad ruminations

4 responses to “0

  1. It is well. I think you need a family of your own. Someone to go home to. If I were you, I’d live freely. People like me can’t live that way even if we want to. With a dependency ratio of 8:1 how do I thrive? Every little money goes into one or another brother. All’s problems are mine, All’s sicknesses are my headaches. There is no moment of peace. To top it all, I’m saddled with an autistic son. Johnny, you are better off. I mean your hurdle is lighter than mine, and I know mine is lighter than someone’s. That’s how life is so carry it with enthusiasm, then you won’t feel the heat as much as you do. Have peace.

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