I’m back to my late-night thinking habits which can only mean I’ve come to a few more conclusions about my life currently.
I’m beginning to wonder if Michelle is really the girl for me, or if I’m simply using her as someone to allay the boredom and loneliness left in Briley’s wake. Don’t get me wrong, she’s someone I can get along with, and is amazingly beautiful and sweet beyond just the surface, I just don’t know if she’s someone I can fall in love with. I’m not giving up yet though. I’m afraid I’m considering remaining in this relationship simply because I do not want to be alone. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m sure she deserves someone who’s madly in love with her. What am I supposed to do? What would I even say? I feel I need more time before I can be sure what she means to me. Or perhaps I’m just telling myself I need more time simply so I don’t have to be alone. Either way we’ll be spending the afternoon together. I do look forward to it. I do enjoy being around her. These things I know, and little else. Introspection for me can become a nightmare. There are times I wish I’d never walked through that door, and other times that it’s saved me from a world of pain and suffering. Whatever purpose it serves, it’s inherent to who I am. It’s when I don’t pay attention that things can go south for me, as if I’m simply watching myself commit all sorts of mistakes without thinking them through.
Well, enough about that. I had a strange experience last night. It seems I’ve somehow managed a few hallucinations despite the amount of medication I’m taking. I sat still for over an hour and listened to three ghosts count fishes while one of them repeatedly announced his intentions to leave, and was continuously ignored until he finally left on his own. The remaining two, one male, one female, continued their discussion on the fish deficit for a while. The male left and the female turned her attentions towards me, so I shifted the conversation towards birds instead. We came to a final profound decision concerning the ratio of birds to fish, and she left.
So, I either truly had three ghosts in my house chatting away, or I spent over an hour talking to myself about some of the most ridiculous things. I think the latter is more likely here, and so I’m unhappy about the whole ordeal. I hope very deeply that the medication is still working and will continue to work. Without it I am completely defenseless. I cannot live my life in that way. I don’t want to be fucking crazy anymore. Maybe it was all a freak occurrence due to having delved too deep into my own head.
Interestingly enough, and believe me, I know this seems counterintuitive, I had been thinking about my little trip to the hospital and where I was, how I felt, where I was headed, and I wanted to be back there again. The why of it all might be a little tricky. I know that I’m permanently fucked up in the head. I know the only reason I have any sanity now, is because of the medication. For some reason, I almost feel that if I had just held on a little longer in that completely psychotic state, I may have found some real illumination, some answers, and even some healing. Instead nothing was healed, it was all only covered over, sure to rear its ugly head sooner or later.
I think I’m just a little bored with my life right now, and I stupidly crave change, any change, even if it means losing my fucking mind. Honestly, I don’t want that, and I don’t know where many of these thoughts and desires come from. I need to stay sane, for my own sake. For the fish’s sake. For the bird’s sake. There are too many birds and not enough fishes.
–Not a Fish