Life has not been good for me these past few days. I’m down for the count. Hallucinations, strange feelings, nightmares, and being completely unable to understand when a person speaks to me, are just a few of my symptoms. I had been taking my medication religiously but it seems to have been rendered useless in the wake of this nightmare. Now I can’t keep up with when I’ve taken it and how much. Everything’s just a big mess.
I’ve spent most of my free time curled up in bed. I haven’t felt like eating or going anywhere. I’d say I’m completely paralyzed. The world is caving in around me. Literally. I can see it happening. Closing my eyes doesn’t help, it only makes the hallucinations more vivid. This sucks.
Michelle came over on Friday night, because I hadn’t answered any of her texts or phone calls. I think she was alarmed to see me in this state. Nevertheless she was as sweet as she could be and stayed by my side until morning. Since that night she hasn’t come back, we’ve been communicating via distance only, which leads me to believe I really scared the hell out of her while she was here. Part of me is worried about losing her, the rest of me is stuck in some twisted landscape devoid of any human contact.
I knew that one day, sooner or later, psychosis would rear its ugly head again, so I’m not surprised that this has happened. I’m afraid no medication is going to fix this. My life is truly lived on the threshold between the real and unreal, pleasant and terrifying, spoken and unspoken, written and unwritten. I guess in a way, that still makes me a shaman. One you don’t want meeting your children.
(I had originally started this post yesterday morning, and was interrupted by a phone call for a job interview. Of all times! I somehow managed to shower and make my way to Paducah, where I scored the glamourous job of working in the kitchen of my favorite sushi restaurant. We’ll see how long I enjoy sushi now. I go for training tonight and I’m praying I don’t have a mental breakdown in the midst of it all.
Really, in a way this has pulled me out of psychosis a little. Having to put on a happy face and go out into the world yesterday did me some good. I hope it will continue to do so. Still hearing the occasional odd whisper. Still seeing those random shadows grow and pulsate. Better than it was. Maybe things will continue to improve.)