Final Preparations

I do believe this is the end for me.
I spent all of last week in the hospital. My roommate had come home from work early and found me splayed out on the bathroom floor unconscious in a puddle of blood. He called an ambulance. I spent two days in the ICU. My wrists were sewn up and I received a blood transfusion. From there I was admitted to the behavioral health ward where they made some adjustments to my medication. After five days they released me. I lied to the psychiatrist; told him I wasn’t suicidal, that I was feeling better.
Truth is, I am feeling better. The depression is no longer all-encompassing. Psychosis has passed. I feel an amazing sense of clarity, and after much deliberation I’ve decided to go through with taking my own life. I’m tired of this roller-coaster ride. I’m never content. Any happiness I may feel is still shadowed by the inevitable darkness always creeping behind me, waiting to strike. One thing I’m sure of is that it will indeed return. It’s only a matter of time. I won’t go through it again. I’m going to beat it to the punch. I’ve got a bottle of sixty somas, a muscle relaxer, that ought to do the trick. I don’t feel like cutting through stitches. Using a gun would only leave a mess. I’d like to have an open casket.
So, now I’m busy wrapping things up. I must find a good home for my two cats, Ginny and Mintkey. Rick loves Rudie and I know he’ll be cared for, but I don’t want to overburden him with two more. I’d like for them to go to the same home, as they’ve become somewhat friends. This is my biggest obstacle and I’m having little luck so far. Would anyone like two cats? I’m willing to deliver them to a good home. I’ll give a thousand dollars to whoever decides to take them.
Speaking of money, I’ve got five grand in the bank. I’m going to split it up and give it away to those who need it. Two grand has gone to my friend Will who’s living in a house with no heat or electricity. Other than that, I don’t know anyone who’s struggling financially. Is there anyone here in desperate need of money? If you can give me a good reason, along with a little proof, say, a picture of an overdue bill or a copy of a bank statement saying that indeed, this person is dead broke and in need, I’m more than willing to wire the money or send a check.

Otherwise, I’ve run out of things to say. My desire to write has died. I feel very little and care even less. A big thanks to all those who have supported and encouraged me. I haven’t forgotten you. I’m sorry I’ve let you down.

–J

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Final Preparations

  1. You know, I uttered these very same words once upon a time…Yet here I am even now…The darkness eventually fades and becomes like a quaint memory…And desires once dormant did not abate…

    Time may be our only savior, but he is relentless…

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    • For me, it is a sickness, and its terminal. The darkness will never go away. Call it bipolar, schizophrenia, schizoaffective, borderline, whatever. The name means little, but there is no cure. . . no secret magic that will remove this affliction, and i just dont want to fight it anymore.

      Like

  2. It is difficult. I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I can relate to the feeling that it will never end… I’m sorry you’re in pain, and I won’t tell you what to do.
    Just know I read your blog, and though maybe I don’t know you except through that, I do care about you. I hope you feel better and can take time to reflect on what’s important to you and brings a smile to your face.
    All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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