My days have not been easy since coming home from the hospital. After turning away from suicide I’ve had to start rebuilding my life. Not much to work with, really. Somehow I’ve managed to get my house cleaned up. I’ve felt a little better with all that dust and clutter gone. I still remain in a moderate state of depression. I’m taking all my medications as prescribed. I asked my doctor to take me off the soma. It’s all too tempting, and I’d managed to develop a little addiction. No withdrawals as far as I can tell. Sleeping good on the trazadone. It’s often prescribed to prevent nightmares. Soon after I started taking it, the nightmares and cold sweats went away. I’m thankful for that.
Yesterday morning when I woke up, I felt just like I’d chugged two bottles of cough medicine. Not a feeling I was enjoying. I took an extra risperdal and felt better within an hour. I think I’m going to ask the psychiatrist to double my dose. What I’m on isn’t cutting it anymore. I’m also going to speak with him about how I’ve been feeling. Still, I’m afraid we may have reached a limit as far as what medication is capable of doing for me. I’m on a lot of shit as it is.
Loneliness is yet another issue I’ve been dealing with. This morning, I sent Michelle a text. I’m desperately hoping she’ll take me back. I know she just can’t handle me when I feel my worst. I’m willing to accept that. She’ll just have to stay away from me when I’m feeling psychotic. I doubt she’s willing to take me back anyway. It probably doesn’t matter.
Thankfully, the sun is out today, and I’m in my right mind–for the most part. I continue to feel a little off. Colors are fascinatingly bright. My consciousness seems to have moved half an inch to the left. It’s hard to explain. So long as my symptoms don’t get any worse, I’ll be able to manage.
I’m sure I had more to say, but my short term memory is experiencing glitches. No choice but to stop here.