This week hasn’t been an easy one. I’m still struggling with depression, and psychosis on top of that. My appointment with the psychiatrist was postponed due to bad weather. I’m finally going to see him tomorrow. I’m hoping with all hope that we come up with something that’s going to help.
I can’t even recall when psychosis hit me. Not more than a few days ago. It came on fast and kicked my ass in the dirt for about thirteen hours. Finally I took an extra risperdal which brought me back to a manageable level of insane. The bad thing about taking extra pills, is that I won’t have them at the end of the month. I’ve avoided taking any more unscheduled medication, although I could probably use it. Since it all started, my vision has been exclusively in four dimensions. It’s rather wild. I can’t exactly see through things, only beyond them. Walls aren’t visual barriers anymore. I can see my yard, the sky, and even into the earth below. People and animals have little christmas tree lights over their heads. Sometimes I have to close my eyes to escape the overwhelming amount of information that’s been filtering through.
Yesterday, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I went out and had a drink. I guess I just sort of threw my hands up. My day had started out rotten and I don’t even care anymore. I really feel I’m losing a lot of the resolve I once had.
All in all I didn’t have a bad time. Didn’t have a great time either. I met an interesting guy who was like a cross between an old biker and a mountain man. He told me about his fear of monkeys and how he’d killed his friend’s pet simian after he’d watched it bite into the guy’s neck. I also met a beautiful blonde who gave me her number. I can’t decide if I’m going to call her or not.
The end result of last night was waking up with one hell of a migraine, which probably means I shouldn’t be doing any more drinking. I don’t think I want to.
Michelle took me back, and broke up with me within a week. I missed a dinner with her parents because I was feeling lousy. That was enough for her to decide that I’m not one to be relied on. She’s probably right, anyway. Of course I mean well. Sometimes my disease just renders me useless.
I’m really lonely. I’m torn between feeling like I need someone, and feeling that to get involved with anyone, would only be to curse them. I must be hard to love, knowing at times I need to be cared for like a child. I think I’m ultimately destined to trudge through all my darkest hours alone. This is very hard for me to accept. I know I’m supposed to be strong, but everyone needs rest and a breath of fresh air in order to keep going. I don’t know where to find those things. They are lost to me. 4D vision and nothing to show for it.