Life for me has been a rollercoaster ride these past couple of weeks. I spent a few days struggling with hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. This week has been a lot better, but today isn’t as great. I feel I might be slipping again. I see it coming and sadly there is nothing I can do.

I made a friend here on WordPress after I got out of the hospital. I’ve been talking to her a lot about my past, my present, and what goes on in my head. I’ve been learning about her too. She is really an amazing person. She’s from the Northwest but just happened to be visiting relatives here in Kentucky this week. I drove to meet her and we spent the day together in the park, just talking. We had pizza and concluded our night laying in the grass watching planes fly overhead. It was truly a good day. We’re only friends and can’t be anything more. She lives so far away. Still, I feel close to her. We talk almost every day. Suffice it to say she has saved my life already. Having her around is a good thing.

Although Michelle broke up with me a couple weeks ago, she still keeps coming round. She seems to think she can just see me when she feels like it and ignore me the rest of the time. I tolerated it for a short while but I think it’s gone far enough. It’s me who’s going to have to break up with her now. I’ve been putting it off. I guess I’m waiting until she contacts me again. Maybe it will be never and I won’t have to deal with it. It’s tempting to be her bitch and let her keep playing this game so I don’t have to be alone. I’m trying to maintain some sort of self-respect. A monumental task.

Not much else to talk about. I’ve been trying to spend more time in the woods, but it’s been cold again. Better luck next week.




Filed under mad ruminations

2 responses to “Liaisons

  1. First of all, nothing must make you want to kill yourself. Thoughts, glad they are only thoughts. You have the power over your thoughts and that is how it should be, your stronger side must rule. Your girlfriend who keeps coming is a bitch who must be discarded. Someone somewhere would just love to have a sweet person like you, I know you might think yourself as damaged but you are not. I always tell you that if you put your mind to it, you can be more sane than anyone in this world, in reality, we are all damaged in brain but we keep up appearances. Keep being strong Johnny, and even if it is for your friends who are far away, keep your head up and live. Blessings to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know I have to hold on. Sometimes I’m strong and other times I’m weak, and I can’t control when it happens. It’s like I’m my own worst enemy. I’m doing everything I can to get help and get better but it’s a slow process with no guarantees. I’m grateful for your comment and I want to believe you with all my heart. All I can say is that I’m trying. I’m still alive which means I haven’t given up.
      Much love to you Cecilia. I’m happy to have you as a friend.


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