About

Self-proclaimed poet with a tendency to wander. Thirty years old, doing nothing and living on the edge of nowhere–Western Kentucky, to be exact.

Sometimes a halfass writer. Frequently don’t care.

I suffer from PTSD that can be traced back to my early and late childhood. I also have borderline personality and bipolar disorder with schizotypal tendencies.
Every day of my life has been a struggle just to hold on. Each time I turn to face my past I find some new injustice. I fear most of them I will never overcome.

The photo used as the header to my blog I found somewhere on the internet a while back. I believe the artist was autistic. Anyone have any clues?
Otherwise, all poetry, writing, music, and photographs are by yours truly unless stated otherwise. If you’d like to use something of mine, just ask! I’m a nice guy, though my foul language may occasionally suggest otherwise. It isn’t meant to offend; it’s a combination of habit and raw emotion.

I used to write about my personal lifeΒ here, but those musings have since found their home on my other blog,Β Perpetual Hallways.

I do appreciate my followers. The majority I follow right back. If I don’t, it’s usually due to absent-mindedness and nothing to do with the blogger. I’m amazed and a little intimidated by all the talented writers here.

Plenty of things worth saying that don’t just purge on command. If you want to know more about me, just read my blogs. That’s where all the juicy stuff is.

Sums it up don’t you think?

(Last updated 01/21/16 @ 8:50 AM)

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30 responses to “About

  1. I like the photo you used. The artist was autistic, eh? That’s me. I love the dreamlike feel of the photo–it reminds me of a lot of the dreams I had–shadowy faces, eerie places. I’m enjoying your blog and think your a very talented writer.

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    • yeah, it was actually from an article that included an entire series of artworks by many different autistic persons. Wish I still had the link. Chose this one in particular for the colors and its similarity to some of my own hallucinations.
      And I’m never sure how to reply when someone compliments my writing, except to say, thanks, and disagree silently. (Still working on the silently part, obviously.)
      I dig your blog too, for one reason I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a narcissist myself, (as was my mother) and you’ve really got a lot of insight.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you! I don’t think you sound narcissitic at all btw, but I guess we all are a little, that’s why we’re putting our most private thoughts on a public website accessible to strangers all over the world, lol

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well, once people notice or realize you’re a narcissist, it kind of loses its fun don’t you think? I suppose I’m an odd mix. I’m what’s called a Fanatic Narcissist, not quite the classical kind, but close enough that I still have to watch for what I’ve personally deemed “Narcissistic Trap Doors”.
          Is this blog a trap door for me? Sometimes. Can I admit it? I guess I just did.
          πŸ™‚

          Liked by 2 people

  2. songtothesirens

    My father is a Narcissist, and he has no insight into others at all. I do not think you qualify as a Narcissist because you have some insight into others. They also have no empathy nor can they experience it. I think everyone is narcissistic to some degree.

    I have been labeled as such when, in fact, I am just a bipolar trying to survive and keep the auditory hallucinations at bay. It is a bit freaky when you can hear people talking at 2 or 3 am, and you are fairly sure you are alone. That’s when its time to explore said living space with a bat.

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    • Naught much worse than monsters keeping you awake at night. I can relate.
      My narcissism is also a defense mechanism. I really have no self-confidence, so I’m just trying my damndest to build my self-esteem. Sometimes I go to extremes in the process. Mostly grandiose fantasies, although since starting this new medication I’ve quit daydreaming as well. Don’t miss it.
      Thanks for the words. πŸ˜‰

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      • songtothesirens

        I can understand that. I think that’s why my doctors finally sorted out my medication about 7 years ago. Turned out the anti-psychotics (though not as a class of drug) seemed to iron me out. I can only figure it has something to do with mania and paranoia? They sort of keep those tendencies at bay. I have to say, though, depending what I was daydreaming, I would miss that.

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        • I’d tried several different anti-psychotics but they didn’t quite cut it. A low dose of lithium was finally enough to do the trick, and what a huge fucking difference it’s made.
          As far as missing the fantasies go, I’ve simply forced myself to quit a few times in the past, and I’ve done alright without them for a while, but the urge always reared its ugly head as time moved on. I suppose I shouldn’t go jumping to conclusions about this time being much different, although it certainly seems that way in my medicated state. I’m cautiously optimistic.

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          • songtothesirens

            I know that feeling of cautious optimism. That’s what I felt when my then-current doctor decided to try different anti-psychotics than before. I remembered thinking it would be the same as before. I would take them for 2 weeks and then the side effects would outweigh any benefit. Then something happened, I started feeling better and the side effects were so minimal that I became hopeful that something “good” was happening.

            I can’t take lithium. I was successful on it for about 3 years, and then developed a terrible allergy to it. It was very efficient though. I didn’t like the monthly blood tests, but it did work efficiently, and does for many people.

            I am glad that I still have my daydreams even when they go a bit awry, but I do not miss hearing invisible things going bump in the night. That’s just plain awful, and has been happening since I was a child.

            I am cautiously optimistic for you….I sincerely hope the Lithium does the trick. I know what living with hallucinations and voices can be like.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you. They decided to try me on the lithium during my last stint in the behavioral health ward just a couple of weeks ago. When I first went in, I was not only on the verge of tears at every moment, I was so deep in psychosis that most of my memories of the first day are still obscured to me. I do remember taking that first lithium dose, and within an hour my whole world changed. People might tell you there’s no way I felt results that quickly. A pox on those people! It’s always been that way for me, with everything from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics. If it’s going to work I’ll know it, at least within the first few days.
              Every time I’d start a new anti-depressant I’d feel fucking fantastic for the first week of taking it, but the crash was always inevitable. Something that backs up my theory that yes, perhaps I really do have Bipolar Disorder and the original improvement was just a manic episode brought on by the medication.
              For now I’m on lithium, 300 mg once daily, a low dose of Effexor, and 2 mg Risperdal. The combination must be working. I still feel like I did the moment the lithium kicked in at the hospital . . . Like a new person. Like a normal person. I’ve never felt this much like a human being before. I realize now all those times I thought I was finally through the worst, must have only been stints of mania. I couldn’t tell the difference. That’s why I feel so new and different now. This certainly isn’t mania, it’s normalcy. And it’s not near as droll as I believed it would be.
              Sad as I am to hear about your woes, it’s really nice to hear from a fellow Bipolar how similar our issues are. There is no better therapy (drugs not included) to share a conversation with someone who’s been there. I’m glad your current treatment is working, too. Still, If you ever feel you’re going off the deep end, I’ll always be more than willing to listen and provide whatever support I can.
              Thanks so much for all your kind words.
              πŸ™‚

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              • songtothesirens

                Thanks for the offer πŸ™‚ I definitely go through times where I feel everything is coming unravelled……and I am rapid cycling on top of every other diagnosis I have (all are Anxiety disorders) on top of Bipolar I with psychotic tendencies.

                I was what they call “treatment resistant.” I was completely compliant with most of what the psychiatrists wanted to try, but I was difficult because I could feel that something wasn’t going to work within the first few days. Kind of like you. It only took about a week before the Abilify, Seroquel, Klonopin, Adderall cocktail took effect with very few, if any, side effects. All of a sudden, I felt even, I felt like I was no longer in that small boat on a stormy sea, now I was on a gently rocking sea.

                However, even on the medications, I am still a true manic-depressive. I am always a bit manic and a bit depressed at the same time; the dreaded “mixed-episode”. But to me, that is balance. If you are partly manic and partly depressed all of the time I guess you have balance. Usually one side is stronger than the other, though. So, it seems to shift with no rhyme or reason. Last night, I was feeling funky and slightly sad for no good reason. This morning, I think a bike ride is in order.

                Mania can cause psychosis, so maybe you aren’t really schizophrenic. I have not heard of schizophrenics responding to Lithium in that fashion. Usually, if a schizophrenic is off on a tangent, it takes a shot of some anti-psychotic to bring them down. Maybe you are simply Bipolar? You said you had been diagnosed with it at one point? And, mania, as wonderful as it is for about 2 days can definitely cause psychosis and/or grandiose or morbid thinking, hallucinations (both visual and auditory), it can literally be a waking nightmare. Especially after a few days with little to no sleep.

                Isn’t it wonderful to feel “normal”? Or at least feel balanced? No, feeling human certainly isn’t boring or anything even like that. It is like suddenly a whole new world has opened up to you. I have heard successfully medicated Bipolars describe how color came back into their lives, how they were able to return to work or school, how good it felt to be in the “green middle ground” as I heard one guy in the hospital put it. After all that experimentation, finding the medications that put you into balance can feel like nothing short of a miracle πŸ™‚

                And, having been a frequent flyer in our mental health facility, I agree that it is very therapeutic to talk to people with similar issues. It is nice to be understood, even if your family and friends try to understand, no one can unless they live there, too πŸ™‚

                Liked by 1 person

                • What a combination you’re on! My primary care doc tried prescribing Abilify, but even with my insurance my copay would have been $200 a month. Tried paying $100 for a partial fill just to see if they would work, but the pharmacist told me it would still be $200. I gave up on that notion.
                  I’m afraid I wouldn’t do well on Klonopin and Adderall. I’ve had addiction issues in the past and well, amphetamines I’m afraid only intensify my psychosis. As far a Seroquel goes, I just went off it when they switched me to the Risperdal. It gave me panic attacks and knocked me out at the same time. A strange set of side effects. Sucks to feel a paralyzing fear while being unable to keep your eyes open. It didn’t do shit for my psychotic symptoms either.
                  I agree with the Bipolar diagnosis as well. I received it just this last time I was hospitalized. My old therapist was the one who diagnosed me as Schizophrenic. It’s taken me a while to accept the Bipolar diagnosis simply because I had been seeing my therapist for close to a year, and the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as Bipolar had only spent five minutes with me. Still, it makes far too much sense to simply write off.
                  My psychotic episodes are far worse when I’m unable to sleep. Yes, it is a true waking nightmare. There becomes no escape from the hell you’re living in. On top of it, when I did manage to sleep, real nightmares constantly disturbed my slumber. Most of my manic states have actually been mixed states. I believe I’m a rapid-cycling Bipolar type II. I can go through manic and depressed states within a matter of a couple of weeks. Very few breaks in between. Good thing my major psychotic episodes had only reared their ugly heads about four years ago, but since then I’ve been lucky to go a few hours without hearing or seeing something that wasn’t there. Since starting this new medication combo I’m on my third week without a single hallucination. Holy shit! I never thought I’d see the day.
                  Normal is fucking amazing. I do feel like I could get a job now, if I wanted to. I don’t, and I won’t. But still, I could. πŸ˜‰
                  More than happy to help if you just need a friend. Any time. I’m a people-person at heart. I’m on AIM as truant.one, FYI. I’ve been enjoying our little back-and-forth. πŸ™‚

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                  • songtothesirens

                    So have I. It is always interesting to me to talk to someone who believed for a long time that they had one diagnosis, but having found the right combination of medication and therapy, find out they have something else entirely. It took me quite a while (years ~ about 4) to really accept that I had Bipolar disorder (really don’t like that word as it implies chaos), and feel comfortable with it. I think it was finding the right combination of medications, and no one else I have talked to save maybe that kid I met in the hospital a few years ago have done well with some of the medications I take. For, him, Seroquel opened up a whole different Universe where his mania was managed and he said he could see color again as his life before was pretty gray. And, I have heard from others that they can’t take Abilify, or Seroquel. You do have a strange reaction to Seroquel. It just knocks me out which is one reason it was prescribed. I wasn’t sleeping more than a couple of hours a night for what seemed to be an eternity, and since this (at least in me) is more associated with a manic phase, The doc tried Seroquel. And, to me, it was wonderful…I could sleep, it didn’t seem to have side effects. For me, it’s a wonder drug, but yes it is way more expensive than it ought to be. Abilify is what I take in the morning. It doesn’t seem to have an adverse effect on me, but I see those commercials telling people to ask your doctor about adding Abilify to their antidepressant, and I just want to yell at the TV (like it would listen) that Abilify is an atypical anti-psychotic. The commercials do not even mention that is belongs to this class of drugs. It is used to manage psychosis, and mania.

                    And, believe me. I have a love hate relationship with Adderall simply because it is an amphetamine (4 actually), and I had some trouble in my late teens and early 20’s with meth use. But, it worked just like Adderall does. Meth calmed me down and made it possible to focus. Can you say wired really backwards? Klonopin freaks me out on occasion because i have taken it for so long that I am addicted to it. I have managed to taper down my dose but I seem to have plateaued at the point I am at now. It would take a rehab facility to get me off of it completely. But that kind of scares me because I have at least 3 different Anxiety disorders (PTSD, Agoraphobia, Panic Disorder, and I would include a mild case of social phobia). So, I am concerned about having a panic attack and not having anything to bring me back to earth. I also have a love-hate relationship with this drug too. I am also an addictive personality, and have had my fair share of abusing substances. I have had a lot of life in a very short period of time πŸ™‚

                    I think I am still jleighkelley on Yahoo messenger. I’ll see if I can get AIM on the Windows side of my computer (I have Linux and Windows thanks to another poster….they made it make sense to have the ability to pick one over the other sometimes).

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I tried Linux for a while, but I could never install programs, even following the directions to a tee. Just too complicated for poor simple me I guess. If you’re truly interested in chatting I don’t mind signing up for Yahoo as well.

                      You’re like me. Unable to sleep unless on the proper treatment. I do have a prescription for Soma, a muscle relaxer, that was the final resort to help me sleep. Even 800 mg Seroquel didn’t always do it because of the panic it caused. I would force myself to stay awake. Thankfully though, I haven’t needed the Soma since starting my new retinue of medications. I’ve even cut Benadryl and Melatonin out of the picture. Think next time I see the doc I’ll ask him to just take me off the Soma, because like you, controlled substances make me feel just a little uneasy. So easy to slip back into addiction. I got where I had to take a double dose just to feel sleepy. Although when I put my mind towards quitting something, not much will stop me.
                      Sorry to hear about your Klonopin problem. Withdrawals are enough to make any person go mad and do things they regret later. You are wise to just taper down and not quit entirely. If you feel like you need it for your mental health, and it’s not causing major issues caused by addiction–you’re not buying extra off the streets or finishing off your script before a refill is due, etc–then you just fucking need it. Plain and simple.
                      I was more of an X head than a meth junkie, but chemically they are very similar. It made my world bearable while the chemicals were flowing through my veins, but afterwards, well, everything turned to shit. I’ve got enough ups and downs as it is. It’s been nearly four years since I’ve touched any street drug or alcohol.
                      Well, no, I did smoke some weed last week just to see how it would affect me, at a friend’s house. As long as I don’t start buying the stuff and bringing it home I see it as an okay thing. Caused no symptoms of psychosis. Perhaps I just smoked out of curiosity. I originally quit all the drugs I was taking all at once. I believed they were the reason my head was so fucked up. I was wrong, but if I’m quit now, there is no reason for me to return to that world . . . I was in a really dark place at the time. Like you, I also have PTSD. No question concerning that diagnosis. Once I realized where much of my anxiety originated I was able to work through it and shed some of the heavy burden of my past.
                      Still, I remained pretty fucking psycho.
                      But I’m certainly sane today, and content enough with my life. Thank god, or whatever’s out there, or luck, or biology, or chemistry. Hell, thank the psychiatrist who put me on the lithium. I do believe everything’s finally going to be alright.

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                    • songtothesirens

                      πŸ™‚ A lot of people give Lithium it’s fair due. It is a good medication and it works. I just happen to have developed an allergy to it. Which sucks because it is a good mood stabilizer. I have no idea what kind of chemical bath I am swimming in currently, but it it seems to be working. The only time my medications don’t work, and I have a Bipolar moment, it is really intense because my manic response is fairly well capped by the Abilify and Seroquel. But, and there is always a “but” that means I go the other way which after a week I will call or message through this crazy system my health insurance has set up (it really is not intuitive) for an antidepressant for about 3 months, and then I stop them until I feel the next little episode. But despite this, life is good and life is finally feeling stable, and not in complete chaos. It is a good place to be after so many years of things not being okay because I didn’t know what was wrong (something was definitely broken), and so when I found out, I got hit by a semi-truck and proceeded to start to research because I cannot battle that which I do not understand.

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                    • songtothesirens

                      Oh, and you don’t have to be a genius to use Linux. It has a learning curve just like Windows does. It is just that Linux is more hands on, but it is so much more flexible than Windows so the learning curve is a bit steeper πŸ™‚

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I just had trouble installing shit. It didn’t matter how many directions I tried following. It may have just been the version I was using. Think it was RedHat. I got frustrated and gave up.
                      A diagnosis is simply giving a name to the beast. It helps. What you understand you can eventually come to master and control. With help of course. πŸ™‚

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                    • songtothesirens

                      If you were using RedHat, it is no wonder you got frustrated. Red Hat was really user-unfriendly and belonged to the coders. The new versions of Linux, especially Linux Mint are much, much easier to use. They are almost like very flexible versions of what you would expect from Windows, but you have control.

                      And, yes, a diagnosis to me is a starting point. I began to research the minute I was out the door. I can’t fight something if I do not know what it is. It is rather like tilting at windmills.

                      I am taking it from your blog’s name that you, too, are a Gemini?

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                  • songtothesirens

                    FYI, if you are in the States, you may qualify for Medicare or your state’s medicaid program due to your diagnosis being covered by the American with Disabilities Act. It would be something to look into because I know Risperdal is not cheap either. It is another atypical anti-psychotic like Abilify and Seroquel. It just seems to be more tolerated by people who can’t take Abilify or Seroquel. I personally can’t stand it. I think it was the one where I got really dizzy if I sat down (I literally fell over one day in the hospital when they started their experiments), and I was fine as long as I was moving. Or, maybe that was Zyprexa…..oh hell, I can’t remember. I have been on almost every drug approved for the treatment of Bipolar disorder. It gets confusing.

                    Like

                    • Yes, I am a Gemini. As are you? No wonder we’re so chatty eh?
                      The Risperdal is actually pretty cheap. Of course I get the generic, but that and the lithium combined cost me about eleven dollars at the pharmacy. I’ve been having some anxiety the past couple of nights as I’ve tried to fall asleep–something the seroquel did to me as well–but it could be chalked up to other causes. If it happens again tonight I may try just taking half a pill at bedtime.
                      I’ve been plagued with phone calls from my social worker since I left the hospital; checking to make sure I’m keeping my follow-ups, how I’m doing, all that jazz. She told me she would have a representative from Medicaid give me a call but, so far no word. I could always go down to the local office, but so far I haven’t felt like weaving through the impoverished to wait for half an hour only to be turned down . . . that was what happened to me before Obama anyway. Can you get Medicaid while you have private insurance?
                      I tried Zyprexa and it didn’t seem to do a damn thing. I had a mini breakdown whilst I was taking it. I decided it just wasn’t cutting it. I’m pretty sure an anti-psychotic alone will never be quite enough to keep me on an even keel; nor were they enough to allay the psychotic symptoms.

                      By the way, I’m now j.truant@yahoo.com. The instant messenger app I use supports several platforms–no extra install necessary. Meaning I’m around if you ever get the urge. πŸ™‚

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                    • songtothesirens

                      Okay have added you to contacts in mobile phone. I take so many little notes to self that it would get lost πŸ™‚

                      Transfer to chat? I need to add you as a friend on Yahoo.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Yeah, chat is good. Had to head out this morning and I just now got home, so sorry if I’ve missed you so far.

                      Like

  3. Stumbled upon your blog and I really enjoy your writing… the poetry, rants, and all. Looking forward to reading more of it. πŸ™‚

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  4. I have nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award! If you’re interested in accepting this honor, please visit this post: http://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for the follow! :3

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My daughter surely has PTSD from years of sexual abuse at the hands of her father but her over achieving ways kept her occupied until recently now she’s cutting many out of her life. At this point all I have I a ps prayer as she is closed. I personally have found that focusing on other people and listening to others helps me. Does this outlet, the blogs you maintain help you?

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    • It is definitely an outlet, but I can’t say whether it actually helps or not. If it does, then it’s not enough to sustain me. Sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope things improve for her.

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