Tag Archives: divinity

Deceived

Dead of night

Cold

Not a star in mine eyes.

Led

By a goddess

Divine

And in white.

She nails me.

To a tree.

My heart caves empty.

Her touch

Is too shocking.

My pain

And my sweat

Recoil my offering.

She attacks.

My heart pulls back.

The moon 

Implodes.

She shows no reaction.

Her cover 

Is blown.

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On Prayer

Why do a million fools pray?
Their prayers are echoed back
With more of the same.
Not a brand new day
Or angelic love issued
From godly ray.
Not even the strength
To live on this way.

A million walls shift and align
To separate our souls
from the perfect divine.
We aren’t given time
In our long and lonely stories
To draw a straight line
Between our empty hearts
And heavenly sky.
It’s all so hopeless
So why even try?
I push miracles aside.
The celestial stars
Must have long ago died.

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. . . And Rising . . .

It’s been nearly two weeks for me without any form of delusions or hallucinations. I can hardly believe it. It all seems too good to be true.
I was never able to trust reality. Without the ability to discern from illusion, I simply shrank away in defense. I cut myself off from it all; the real and unreal; both concepts practically indistinguishable from my little stronghold of insanity.
Now I share a world with the sane. I feel a part of it; and not a broken one either. Perhaps dysfunctional as far as society is concerned, but perfectly me. The healthy version of me. Content. Unafraid.

I believe I know where my aversion to spirituality originates, and it’s all based around my disease. In the past, any time I’ve seen, heard, or felt something I could deem ‘god’, well, that was my cue that I’d really gone off the deep end. Such an obvious indication that I feared it with a vengeance. Even moreso if I allowed myself to be deluded; to believe. In the end it’s all turned out to be bullshit, denial, and pure insanity.
That, my friends, is why I do not seek god. Sadly I find the whole concept inseparable from madness. Maybe that can change, though it must be slowly. I’m only now reacquainting myself with normalcy. I’ve got to get a good foothold before I go chasing after divinity. But, it is a possibility in my future.
Not that I’m going to start regularly attending church and praying before bed and every meal. But I am a human being, and like others, I need something I can trust. Something with my interests in mind and the power to save me; to lead me to my destiny.
Though maybe, that something has always been, and always will be me.

–A wolf in sheep’s clothing

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Filed under delusions, divinity, god, hallucinations, insanity, mad ruminations, schizophrenia, spirituality, writing