Sinking

Baptismal waters are creeping in.
A dismal fountain of eternal youth
Rushes in from the sea.
Who left the doors open
To the all consuming flood
That rips through tiles and beams?
Waters rush to fill the places
That once were perfectly empty spaces.
It’s all the same to me.
To drown or to ride swift sails
Back to the edge of the shore.
Water fills my cabin now and
Nightmares aren’t just dreams anymore.

Feline Advice

I asked my cat
“What am I supposed to do?”
And she replied with a little chortle,
So lighthearted.
As if it would be that easy.
Innocence always replies
With the sweetest of advice.
To take it would be sagely wise.
I’m so stuck in these heavy thoughts.
I’m so alone in a spiral of loss.
Just a chortle will do.
I’ll go out and find the brightest full moon
And pull it down for you, my cat,
Who gives such good advice
That I can’t take.
Like the darkness of night
And the sun can’t relate.

Liaisons

Life for me has been a rollercoaster ride these past couple of weeks. I spent a few days struggling with hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. This week has been a lot better, but today isn’t as great. I feel I might be slipping again. I see it coming and sadly there is nothing I can do.

I made a friend here on WordPress after I got out of the hospital. I’ve been talking to her a lot about my past, my present, and what goes on in my head. I’ve been learning about her too. She is really an amazing person. She’s from the Northwest but just happened to be visiting relatives here in Kentucky this week. I drove to meet her and we spent the day together in the park, just talking. We had pizza and concluded our night laying in the grass watching planes fly overhead. It was truly a good day. We’re only friends and can’t be anything more. She lives so far away. Still, I feel close to her. We talk almost every day. Suffice it to say she has saved my life already. Having her around is a good thing.

Although Michelle broke up with me a couple weeks ago, she still keeps coming round. She seems to think she can just see me when she feels like it and ignore me the rest of the time. I tolerated it for a short while but I think it’s gone far enough. It’s me who’s going to have to break up with her now. I’ve been putting it off. I guess I’m waiting until she contacts me again. Maybe it will be never and I won’t have to deal with it. It’s tempting to be her bitch and let her keep playing this game so I don’t have to be alone. I’m trying to maintain some sort of self-respect. A monumental task.

Not much else to talk about. I’ve been trying to spend more time in the woods, but it’s been cold again. Better luck next week.

–J

Dreaming Again

Through the Fog poetry

I had strange dreams last night,
And I woke with a dangerous hope,
Though I had not dreamed of you,
I had dreamed again, and that-
That made me smile,
For, if I am dreaming again-
I’m bound to find you,
I hope you are reaching, too.

~Antanya

View original post

Passages

I can’t align with what tomorrow brings
Surrendering the worn out ways
The time can come and take the past away.
There are so many different things
I can’t let go for fear of change,
For fear of waking up and finding it’s too late.
This is all too much for me.
What’s become of subtlety?
Where the timeline winds will blow,
I wish I’d know.
There’s no anecdote
For these worn out psalms.

Fade

What will fade?
What meaningful chance
Do we have against fate?
What needs to change?
How do we bind
Any threat to the mind
Of inevitable impending dates?
What sort of sign
Has a chance to define
Where the bar will surely break?
What will fade?
Will a single moment ever
Be enough to break a chain?

On Being a Tree

We may never truly know
With our constant need to control
What it’s like to be a tree
With sinking roots and budding leaves.
Every inch completely prone
To every thunderbolt that’s thrown,
Every flood and every drought
Without a means of getting out.
Every creature passing through
Can tear its life from whence it grew
And leave its offspring in the dirt.
We may never know the bitter hurt
Expressed through sweetest seeping sap
From every point where branches snap.
Is this some sort of knowing trust
Or a constant fear that can’t adjust
To nature’s sway?
It would seem this way.
We may never truly know
Until our leaves have all let go.

Hopeless Wings

The hawk flies high
On the mourning air
But he doesn’t
reach the heavens.
He can’t ascend
On air too thin
Where not a breath
Will support him.
How cruel it seems
That his glorious wings
Won’t be enough
To reach his dreams.
What’s it going to take
Before minds will break
To rush our doleful
Hearts awake?

It’s my Secretary’s Birthday

God, grant me distraction.

Where have I heard that before?
Somewhere, I can’t remember.
So many quotes that I’ve stored in my head,
I can’t find the source anymore.

Substantia Nigra

Mankind’s first addiction
Is the bane of my existence.
Sparking lucid illusions
I must deny, or else.
Who could descry meaning
From this semiotic well?
Am I crazy enough to tell?
Am I mother nature’s
Biggest curse or greatest spell?
Delusions of grandeur
Must follow dopaminergic trails.