Addict

I sleep.

I dream.

I feel nothing.

Take my life

And shove it.

I don’t care.

Worries

Hover

Everywhere.

I turn up

The beat.

I’m incomplete.

My head pounds

And my hands

Shake.

My only joys

Are fantasy

Fakes.

I pop a pill.

The world

Gets still.

Self-awareness

Becomes

Alright

Though something

Within me

Always dies.

Why?

Nothing.

Nothing here.

God might

Save me

If he had ears

Or if I 

Could speak.

I’m incomplete.

Broken and torn

To the madness

I’m sworn.

I will

Endure.

For my will

Is stronger 

Than yours.

My Pet Illusion

This is a rough sketch of a recurring hallucination I have. He mostly chills behind the tv stand but at night he comes prowling and no matter how many times I’ve seen it, it still scares the hell out of me.

Nurture, Nature, Blame your Creator

Nature passed down like

Winding stairs

And nurture hidden

In absent stares.

I meander with the pain in

The visions of sin

And I’ll die kicking

When my legs give in.

Fuck you, letting illness

Dwindle your control.

Fuck me for my aversion

To being consoled.

I’m wrong, I’m wrong.

My heart recoils.

Between me and you

Is ten feet of soil.

Shunned

No mother, no father.

No sisters or brothers,

Grandparents or a lover,

Just my cats but

They don’t talk back

Though I wish they would,

But maybe it’s good.

Nor do they even

Make a sound

When they make their way

Down to the ground

But I do.

I am shunned and abandoned

Or I have shunned. .

But I’m lonely too.

Are you?

Casket

Misery’s afoot
And she’s slinking through doors.
I try to retreat
But my curtain
Doesn’t reach the floor.
There must be
A place for all this pain.
It hides
Within me
Memorizing my name.
That old tattered
Chest black as ages at best
Has swept through
The years and found me in here.
Is it
Within me or do I
Hide within?
Is it
The darkness
Or am I
Full of sin?
Fuck.
There’s no place
Left for empty spaces.
I
Am no being
Only emptiness weaving.

Hope is gone.
Days are long.
Someone tell me
I’m wrong.
The ages
Are years
Only fueled
By tears.

I never suggested it didn’t exist.

In my mind
You’ll never find me.
Carry provisions
To keep you alive.
Meet the wild dark hatred
That leads deep inside.
In my body
The monster’s the mind
And there’s no hope
That escape will be found.
In my mind
A warm heart dies
And loneliness lives
Entwined in the vines
Of the labyrinth,
No center.
No way in or out.
I’m lost to you and
My final light
Is this poem
Which I’ll burn
If only to keep warm
For a moment.

Sorry old lies owe penance straight into sunlight’s madness.

Dead
Like a stone
My screams are whispers
And my heart is alone.
(No choice but to cry.)
A life of abuse
Becomes my truth
And stole my humanity
Within this cage I’ll never
Escape.

There’s no rest for the mind that’s been shattered.
There’s no retrieving the pieces that scattered.
As if the thought of it even mattered.

There’s no light from the deep
There’s a maze of darkness in me
And solipsism’s all I believe.

Astray

Innocuous faults slip sideways down cooler springs.
Remembrance of thoughts slide headlong to deeper dreams.
It’s not the same,
When yesterday could have torn open its fray.
Things always change,
When head and heart find each other astray.
Lost is the name.
With a darkness so ingrained
And a heartache so deep,
The cracks in the walls
Are lined up to repeat
Dreams.
The meadowlark sings on her weary heartstrings.
Change.
The walls of the sick man forever deranged.